PS 635 
_g tional Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 



K391 
1916 
Copy 1 



ates) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE 

A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 

JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of a Photographer's Troubles, Peddlers' Parade, The Census 
Taker, etc , etc. 



Copyrigfht, 1916, By SAMUEL FRENCH 

NO ROYALTY REQUIRED FOR AMATEUR PRODUC- 
T [ON— ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 



JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of a Photographer's Troubles, Peddlers' Parade, The Census 
Taker, etc, etc. 



Copyright By SAMUEL FRENCH 



NO ROYALTY REQUIRED FOR AMATEUR PRODUC- 
TION—ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED. 



NEW YORK 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28.30 WLST 38TH STREET 



LONDON 

SAMUEL FRENCH. LTD. 

•26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET 

STRAND 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE ^^' 
CHARACTERS. 






Mrs. Brown Who runs the office 

Mrs. Aldrich 



Mrs. Sawyer 
Mrs. French 
Mrs. Newlywed 
Grace Smith 
Marie Bessette 
Bridget Mulligan 
Hilda Olson 



Who are looking for maids 



Who are looking for places 
COSTUMES. 
^ Ordinary street attire 



Mrs. Brown 
Mrs. Sawyer 
Mrs. French 
Mrs. Newlywed 

Mrs. Aldrich Very dressy 

Grace Smith. .Shoivy, tawdry clothes with much 

cheap jezvelry 
Marie Bessette. . Very Frenchy — black dress, white 

collar and cuffs 

Bridget Mulligan Grotesque — hair in tight 

knot, old bonnet, shazvl, etc. 

Hilda Olson Grotesque — hat zvifh straggly 

plumes, old fashioned coat, bag and bundles 

STAGE ARRANGEMENT. 

The sia^Q should be arranged to represent an 
eniplovment bureau — a desk at one side for Miss 
Brown — chairs ranged along the wall with perhaps 
a table in center or at one side. No curtain is neces- 
sary. 

NOTES. Use local names wherever possible as 
they are always laugh ])roducers. Go slowly — give 
the audience time to get the jokes. 



MAY I8l9l6©ci.0 4S955 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 



(Mrs. Brown enters, takes off wraps, hangs them 
up, goes to desk and begins looking over 
mail.) 

Mrs. Brown. {Letter in hand) Well, this is an 
honest woman at any rate but I fear she'll find it 
rather hard to get help. Don't often find them so 
truthful (Reads) " I want a woman to wash 
dishes, keep house in order, care for six hateful 
children, bake, wash and iron. Must be a very good 
cook and able to get along without sleep. Am very 
particular and never satisfied. Wages low. If you 
have some one you think will fill the bill send her to 
me for a personal interview — ]\Irs. Unsatisfied, 97 
Kicker Street " — Huh, I'm afraid she'll be over- 
whelmed with applicants. (Looks over other let- 
ters) 

Hilda. (Pokes head only inside of door) Be 
you the woman what gets yobs for girls ? 

Mrs. Brown. Yes, come in. 

(Hilda enters zvith old fashioned hag and many 
bundles done up in newspapers.) 

Hilda. Me want a new yob. 

Mrs. Brown. All right, I'll see what I can do for 
you. I suppose you are competent. 

Hilda. No — no — I no — no — what you say. I 
Swede — Swede and I want yob. 



4 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

Mrs. Brown. Can you cook? 
Hilda. Ya — ^ya — I boil water. 

(Enter Mrs. French and Mrs. Sawyer.) 

Mrs. Brown. (To Hilda) You sit down over 
there and I'll see what I can do for you a little 
later. 

(Hilda sits on extreme edge of chair, holding hag 
and bundles firmly.) 

Mrs. Brown. (To Mrs. French and Mrs. 
Sawyer) Good morning, ladies. What can I do 
for you? 

Mrs. French. I called to inquire if you had a 
towheaded girl with a wart on her nose that was 
looking for a place. 

Mrs. Brown. Pardon me, but aren't you the 
lady that lives in the house just around the corner? 

Mrs. French. Yes, that's where I live. 

Mrs. Brown. (Looks over paper on desk) Yes, 
this is the application. I thought I wasn't mistaken. 
Your husband called this morning and said if I had 
a very stylish, good-looking young girl who was look- 
ing for a place to send her over to his house. 

Mrs. French. (Indigna^itly) He did, did he? 
That's just like him. I'll attend to his case when I 
get home. The curtain lectures Mr. Bowser used 
to get won't be in it with the one he'll get. Stylish, 
good looking young girl ! Just destroy that applica- 
tion. 

Mrs. Sawyer. I thought you had an excellent 
cook, Mrs. French. 

Mrs. French. She could cook all right but 
what's the use of keeping a girl who doesn't get 
any gossip from the neighbors' maids. I stood it 
just as long as I could. Why, I really felt such an 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 5 

ignoramus. I didn't know a thing about my neigh- 
bors' affairs. Are you looking for a cook, too? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes, I had to let mine go. 

Mrs. French. What was the matter with yours ? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Oh, she was frightfully imper- 
tinent ! 

Mrs. French. Dear me, is that so? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes, she couldn't have been any 
more impertinent if she had been one of my own 
daughters. 

Mrs. French. Just think of it ! 

Mrs. Brown. (To Mrs. French) Here's a girl 
with a tow head. (Points to Hilda) She doesn't 
seem to have the wart on her nose but she wouldn't 
exactly pass for a beauty. Perhaps you'd like to 
interview her. 

Mrs. French. She's not just what you'd call 
stylish and good-looking — Yes, I'll have a talk with 
her. 

Mrs. Brown. (Beckons to Hilda) This lady 
wishes to talk to you. 

(Hilda comes forzvard with arms full of bundles.) 

Hilda. Ya — ya — I talk. 

Mrs. French. What is your name? 

Hilda. Name Hilda Olson. 

Mrs. French. Can you cook? 

Hilda. Ya, ya, I boil water. I no boil eggs soft. 
My mistress say boil eggs real soft for lunch. I 
boil them two hours and they no soft then so I tell 
her no have eggs for lunch. I boil them all after- 
noon, they no soft then. 

Mrs. French. Perhaps I could teach you how 
to do that. But I am very particular to have the 
eggs fresh and to keep them so they must be laid in 
a cool place. 



6 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

Hilda. Ya, ya, I speak to the hens about it. I 
tell them lay them in a cool place. Ya, ya. 

(Mrs. French, Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Sawyer ex- 
change glances and suppress laughter.) 

Mrs. Sawyer. You don't like cowardly eggs? 

Mrs. French. What on earth are cowardly 
eggs ? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Cowardly eggs? Why, eggs that 
hit you and run. 

(Laughter.) 

Mrs. French. (To Hilda) Do you keep com- 
pany with any young man? 

Hilda. Ya, ya, but (In a loud, stage zvhisper) 
he very small eater. 

Mrs. French. Well, if you had him in the 
kitchen more than once a week I should speak to 
him. 

Hilda. You speak if you want but you no get 
him away from me. We be married next summer. 
Speak much as you like. You no get him. He say 
I pretty style girl. You no get him. I no 'fraid. 

Mrs. French. (Indignantly) Hilda, I will not 
have any girl answer me back. 

Hilda. I no answer you back. I answer' you 
face — Ya, ya. 

Mrs. French. (To Mrs. Sawyer) Oh, dear, 
I wish I could do my own work but Eve tried it 
for a week and every bone in my body aches. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Every bone in your body aches. 
You ought to be glad you are not a herring at 
present. 

Mrs. French. (To Mrs. Brown) Is this the 
only girl you have ? 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 7 

Mrs. Brown. The only one at present. Help is 
very scarce. 

Mrs. French. (Sighs deeply) Hilda, can you 
use a gasoline stove ? 

Hilda. I try once but the stove go out. 

Mrs. French. Didn't you try again? 

Hilda. No, the stove no come back — It go out 
(Points up) through the roof. 

Mrs. French. Can you make chicken soup? 

Hilda. Oh, ya, ya. I make chicken soup. You 
like windpipes in you soup? 

Mrs. French. Windpipes in the soup? No, of 
course not. 

Hilda. I no like them. My mistress put them in 
hers. 

Mrs. Brown. I rather think Hilda has got 
macaroni and windpipes mixed. 

Hilda. Ya, ya, she call it that name I call wind- 
pipes — Ya, ya. 

Mrs. French. Do you like fish balls? 

Hilda. Fish balls? I no never go to one fish 
ball. I go Swedish ball — dance. 

Mrs. French. (To Mrs. Brown) This girl is 
too stupid. It's no use, I can't take her. 

Hilda. You no want me. I no want you. 

Mrs. Brown. Perhaps there will be more in later. 

Mrs. French. Well, I'll call again. (Mrs. 
French goes out. Grace enters. Hilda sits, still 
grasping bundles) 

Grace. (Chewing gum) I don't s'pose yer 
don't know of nobody what don't want to hire no- 
body to do nothin', don't yer ? 

Mrs. Brown. What? What did you say? 

Grace. I don't s'pose yer don't know of nobody 
what don't want to hire nobody to do nothin', don't 
yer? 

Mrs. Brown. (To Mrs. Sawyer) That's Eng- 
Hsh as she is spoke. (To Grace) Yes, I don't. 



8 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

Mrs. Sawyer. (To Grace) I want a girl for 
second work. Can you do that? 

Grace. (Chewing gum vigorously) Yep, kin 
do anythin'. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Where did you work last ? 

Grace. Down to shop. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Why did you leave there ? 

Grace. Aw, one of the girls got vaccinated and 
the rest of us wouldn't work with a scab. Savey? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Have you ever done house work? 

Grace. Yep, I worked for Mrs. three 

weeks. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Why did you leave there? 

Grace. Not for mine! Stood it three weeks, 
then I told her I was going to leave. " What do you 
want to leave for, Grace ? " ses she, " I'm sure we've 
treated you like one of the family." " That's just 
the trouble," ses I, *' you've treated me like one of 
the family and I've made up my mind not to stand 
it any longer," and I left that minute. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Why, I shouldn't think you could 
do things like that — You've got to be more con- 
siderate. 

Grace. (Tosses head) Deed and I ain't got to 
do nothin' but die. I guess not. 

Mrs. Sawyer. (To Mrs. Brown) I should like 
to be St. Peter for awhile. 

Mrs. Brown. Why? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Haven't you heard the story of 
the servant girl who applied to St. Peter for entrance 
to Heaven? 

Mrs. Brown. No, I haven't heard it. 

Mrs. Sawyer. She applied and he asked, " What 
was your occupation while on earth ? " " Oi wuz a 
servant goirl, soir." " A servant girl," St. Peter said 
thoughtfully, " then you'll have to go down below. 
You can't run this place." Servant girls are an 
awful trial. 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 9 

Mrs. Brown. Didn't you like the last girl I sent 
you? 

Mrs. Sawyer. She made me work harder than 
the others but she was quite respectful. I'd made 
so many changes I thought I wouldn't tell my hus- 
band last time but he found it out right off. 

Mrs. Brown. Noticed the difference in the 
cooking, I presume. 

Mrs. Sawyer. No, he saw the imprint of a 
strange, dirty thumb on his soup plate. {To Grace) 
Can you use a vacuum cleaner? 

Grace Naw, they didn't have no vacuums what 
needed cleaning where I worked. 

Mrs. Sawyer. I should want you to call me 
at seven o'clock each morning. 

Grace. Well, if you'll just hustle out of bed at 
that time and ring a bell for five minutes or so I'll 
try to wake up to call you. 

Mrs. Sawyer. I'm a poor sleeper and some- 
times want to light a candle in the night so it would 
be one of your duties to see that there were matches 
beside my bed. 

Grace. I'll put one there. 

Mrs. Sawyer. One! Why, suppose it wouldn't 
light. 

Grace. I should worry. I'd try it to make sure. 

Mrs. Sawyer. One thing I won't stand. I never 
want to see you eating cake between meals. Remem- 
ber, I never want to see you do that. 

Grace. All right, I'll try to remember to cover 
the keyhole every time. 

Mrs. Sawyer. And I must insist that you be very 
quiet. I am very nervous. {To Mrs. Brown) 
When I lived in California I had one of the noisiest 
maids. One day when I was upstairs I heard a 
tremendous racket so I called down, " Jane, what 
are you doing now ? " She didn't answer so I went 
down and found we had had an earthquake, pictures 



10 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

and crockery knocked down, furniture rattled about 
but really it hadn't made much more noise than she 
made every day doing her work. (To Grace) I 
think I will give you a trial. 

Grace. I'll ask a few questions meself first. I'd 
like to use the piano three times a week as I'm 
musically inclined. The stage lost a star when it lost 
me. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Y-e-e-s — I suppose I could let 
you use the piano. 

Grace. And you have a victrola? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. 

Grace. I wouldn't go into no home what didn't 
have a victrola, nohow. Got an opera cloak ? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. 

Grace. A swell one? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. 

Grace. I should want to borrow that once in 
awhile. Opera glasses ? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. 

Grace. Keep an auto, of course. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. 

Grace. We'd want to use that twice a week and 
Sundays — me and my feller. 

Mrs. Sawyer. (Frigidly) I've decided you 
won't suit me. (To Mrs. Brown) Haven't you 
anybody else on file? 

Grace. There are some goats wanted at the 
biitt-ev works. Savey? 

Mrs. Brown. You are too pert altogether, Miss. 
What did you remark? 

Grace. Oh, I just said they needed some goats 
at the butt-tr works. Better apply. 

Mrs. Brown. (Looking over papers. Reads) 
Strong Swede woman needs washing. 

Grace. (Holds nose and points to Hilda) I 
thought she did. 

Mrs. Brown. (Reading) " Blacksmith wanted 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. ii 

in a restaurant to shoo flies." That isn't in your line. 
(Reads) " Partner wanted by a one legged man to 
share a pair of shoes." No use. (Reads) " Young 
lady wants a tutor for an automobile. Giggling girl 
wanted in dentist's office to supply laughing gas." 

Grace. Gee, I could do that. 

Mrs. Brown. (Reads) Clairvoyant — send me a 
gold dollar wrapped in a lock of your hair and I'll 
tell you what you are. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Huh, that's easy. A fool, of 
course, but they say there is a sucker born every 
minute and two to catch him so I suppose some one 
will bite. That all you have? 

Mrs. Brown. Seems to be all at present. (To 
Grace) Sit down over there. 

Grace. Perhaps I will and then again perhaps I 
won't. (Finally sits down) 

(Enter Mrs. Newlywed.) 

Mrs. Newlywed. (Gushing manner) Oh, good 
morning, Mrs. Sawyer. Are you looking for a maid, 
too? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Yes are you? 

Mrs. Newlywed. Yes, do you know my husband 
thought I might do my ozvu work but I said, " Oh, 
Jack, what will the neighbors say if I do own 
work?" 

Mrs. Sawyer. What did he say to that? 

Mrs. Newlywed. " Why," he asked, " whose 
work do you want to do ? " 

Mrs. Sawyer. Isn't that just like a man? Mrs. 
Bosworth's husband gave her such a beautiful fur 
coat for doing her own cooking that I asked my hus- 
band what he would give me if I did mine. What 
do you suppose that wretch of a man said ? 

Mrs. Brown. I can't imagine. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Why, he said that judging by the 



12 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

food I'd been giving him since the cook left if I 
kept on he'd give me the right to wear a widow's 
veil. 

Mrs. Newlywed. Of course I know all about 
cooking. I've been attending lectures on how to 
cook. Last time the teacher told us how to make 
cabbage salad and to have it best she said me must 
take a good hearted cabbage. I wanted to find out 
all about it for Jack is so fond of it and I wanted 
to be sure to g^\. a good hearted cabbage so I asked 
how one could find out the disposition of a cabbage. 
And everybody laughed. I don't see yet what they 
were laughing at. Then she told us how to make 
cottage pudding but I couldn't use that recipe be- 
cause we live in an apartment. Do you do your own 
marketing, Mrs. Sawyer? 

Mrs. Sawyer. Sometimes. 

Mrs. Newlywed. Oh, you always ought to. 
Why, the other day I went in the market and asked 
for some bacon and the clerk said, " I suppose you 
want the cured bacon ? " " No, indeed," I said, " I 
want some that has never been ill." Now, if I had 
telephoned for it he would have sent me some of 
that cured stuff and we would have had ptomaine 
poisoning. (Mrs. Sawyer and Mrs. Brown ex- 
change glances and smiles) Then it is a house- 
keeper's duty to visit the markets where she trades to 

be sure they are clean. Why, I thought Mr. 

was such a nice clean place to trade until I saw the 
sign up in his store ** We Handle Good Butter," I 
wouldn't trade there any more. I didn't want the 
butter after they had handled it. I don't under- 
stand why they put that sign up. Then I tried Mr. 
market but it is such a murderous place. 

Mrs. Sawyer. Murderous? 

Mrs. Newlywed. Yes, I went in there one morn- 
ing to get something. I told him I was in a hurry 
so he said he'd wait on me just as soon as he broke 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 13 

the bones in Mr. chops, put Mr. ribs in 

a basket and sawed off Mrs. leg. I didn't 

wait for him. I got out just as quickly as I could. 
I didn't know what horrible thing he'd do to me. 

Grace. (Aside) Say, she'd think a cook was 
cruel 'cause she beat the eggs, whipped the cream, 
stoned the raisins, mashed the potatoes and pounded 
the steak. Looks as if she be an easy guy to work 
for. (To Mrs. Newlywed) Want a girl? 

Mrs. Newlywed. Yes, are you looking for a 
place ? 

Grace. Yep. 

Hilda. I want yob too. 

Mrs. Newlywed. ( To Grace) Can you sterilize 
milk? 

Grace. Bet yer life. 

Mrs. Newlywed. Do you soak the meat in 
antiseptics ? 

Grace. Nope, I like it best soaked in gravy. 

Mrs. Newlywed. Do you burn sulphur in the 
pantry every morning? 

Grace. (IVlnks) Oh, of course I do that morn- 
ing and night. 

Mrs. Newlywed. And you are always careful 
to boil the ice ? 

Grace. Say, wouldn't that jar you now? I don't 
work for no lunatic. 

Hilda. Me no want yob there. 

Mrs. Newlywed. (To Mrs. Brown) I fear 
your help aren't scientifically trained. I will look 
elsewhere. 

Mrs. Sargent. I think I'll go with you and see 
if I can find anyone. 

(Mrs. Sawyer and Mrs. Newlywed go out. Mrs, 
Aldrich and Marie enter.) 

Mrs. Aldrich. I am looking for a maid. 



14 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

Hilda. (Jumps up) Me want yob. 

Mrs. Brown. A cook? 

Mrs. Aldrich. Yes, I want a cook and a nurse- 
maid who will do parlor work. 

Hilda. Me no want that yob. (Sits again) 

Grace. Not for mine. She thinks she's some 
class. Bet she's meaner'n dirt, I bet. 

Marie. I am looking for a nursemaid's place. 

Mrs. Aldrich. (Looks Marie over from top to 
toe, using lorgnette) You look as if you might suit. 
Have you a good eye for color? 

Marie. Yes, madam. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Sometimes I take one of the 
children to church with me and I should expect you 
to choose the child that would look best with the 
gown I was wearing that day. Could I trust you 
to do that? 

Marie. Yes, madam. 

Mrs. Aldrich. My last nursemaid left because 
I asked her to stay home with the children. You 
are willing to stay with them ? 

Marie. Yes, madam. 

Mrs. Aldrich. And you would have the care of 
little Fido, my precious dog. I wonder if I could 
trust him with you. (Uses lorgnette for another 
critical look) Why, Mrs. Brown, "clo you know the 
last nursemaid you sent me let Fido into the room 
where one of the children — I didn't know which one 
— had the measles. Oh, dear, what an anxious time 
I had ! I was so afraid that dear dog would catch 
them. Did you ever hear of such carelessness ? 

(Bridget enters. Stands with arms akimbo.) 

Mrs. Aldrich. (To Marie) When the front 
door bell rings I shall expect you to answer it. 
Marie. But madam, I have no callers so it must 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 15 

be some one to see you and madam would go her- 
self. 

Mrs. Aldrich. I am only at home to callers 
Wednesdays from three to five. 

Marie. Yes, madam. (Aside) What a heavenly 
situation you're getting, Marie, with a mistress only 
home two hours a week to boss you round. 

Mrs. Aldrich. I shall expect you to clean the 
parlor and do it very quietly. 

Marie. Yes, madam, I won't even disturb the 

dust. 

Mrs. Aldrich. My parlor is full of antiques so 
you must be very careful. 

Marie. FU sprinkle some insect powder around, 
madam, and try to get rid of them 

Mrs. Aldrich. Oh, dear, oh, dear, such ignor- 
ance! My last maid was too familiar with the 
policeman. Can I trust you? 

Marie. Yes, madam. I can't bear them. Fve 
been brought up to hate the very sight of them. My 
father is a burglar. 

Mrs. Aldrich. (Holds up hands in horror) _ A 
burglar! And to think I came very near trusting 
my precious dog Fido to vour care. 

Marie. But madam, father never steals dogs. 
(Sits) 

Bridget. Is anny wan afther wanting a good 
cook ? 

Mrs. Aldrich. Yes, it's just what I'm looking 
for but I did want a colored one. 

Bridget. A colored wan. Shure, ma'am, thin 
Oi kin suit yez if yez want a colored wan. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Why, you are not black. 

Bridget. No, but Oim very grane. Isn't that 
the color yez want? 

Mrs. Aldrich. Have you a reference from your 
former employer ? 

Bridget. {After much hunting pulls out an 



i6 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

enormous bunch of papers) Yis, Oi hev wan hun- 
dred and twinty sivin of them. Shure if anny wan 
didn't want ter give a peaceable respectable girl a 
rifirince a rolling pin hild in that arm (Rolls up 
sleeve) soon made thim change their moind. 

Mrs. Aldrich. What wages do you ask? 

Bridget. Well, ma'am Oi charge six dollars a 
wake if Oi eats meself and four dollars a wake if 
you eats me. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Well, I don't know as I want to 
eat you. You don't look like a very tempting morsel. 
Could you cook a large, thick porterhouse steak with 
mushrooms and butter? 

Bridget. Could Oi cook it? Could Oi ate it? 
Shure Oi do be thinkin' you'd niver see it. Oi'd 
ate it meself. 

Mrs. Aldrich. You can make cake I suppose. 

Bridget. Indade, Oi kin that. 

Mrs. Aldrich. I'd want you to learn my favorite 
cake recipe. It's very easy to remember as it is in 
poetry. This is it. (Bridget listens with open 
mouth, arms on hips. Recites) Carefully in thirty 
strokes beat up forty grams of yolks ; add one kilo 
sugar, then beat for thirty strokes again. Drop one 
liter milk that's made hot at eighty centigrade. 
Steadily for half an hour, sift two kilograms of 
flour. Fold the whites when inspissated to a gram 
of walnuts, grated. Stir four times and introduce 
one spoonful of lemon juice. Pour the batter slowly 
in to a patent bottom tin. Keep electric oven right up 
to ninety Fahrenheit. Bake till sixty minutes pass ; 
turn it out on sterile glass. You see how very simple 
it is. 

Bridget. Begorry and did yez ivir hear the loike 
of that. Shure Oi hev a rasate that bates that all to 
paces. (Recites and goes through all motions) To 
short'nin' the size of yer fist whin it's tight, add 
sugar as much as will stick ; then brake siveral eggs 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 17 

(if they're chape) and bate light, into clabber that's 
tasty and thick. Jf clabber ain't handy and trouble 
to git, take sody enough on a spoon and mix it with 
swate milk sufficient to wet (and moind yez don't 
add it too soon) Now grate enough nutmeg to cover 
a dime and choc'lit the soize of yer wrist, and throw 
in some flour a bit at a toime and knead it up smooth 
with yer fist. A sinsible number of nuts is required 
and crumbs you be loikely to waste, then raisins and 
spoices as much as desired, vanilly, you flavor to 
taste. Now mess up togither and slap in a tin well 
buttered with lard or with oil ; be sure that yer bat- 
ter ain't anny too thin, and if it's too thick it'll spile. 
Now place in the oven, not too near the back, and 
kape the fire high (if you wish) and bake till it's 
done, then remove from the rack and turn out on 
anny old dish. You can't bate that for a cake rasate. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Can you make griddle cakes? 

Bridget. The foinest iver. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Are you used to a soapstone 
griddle ? 

Bridget. Yez nadent go to the ixpinse uv buyin' 
a soapstone wan. Shure, Oi kin grase the iron wan 
with soap and it'll do jist as well. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Are you neat in your kitchen? 

Bridget. As nate as wax. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Careful to keep the flies out? 

Bridget. Oi always hang a pace of floiy-paper 
outsoide the house. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Outside the house! What do 
you hang it outside the house for ? 

Bridget. Bejabbers, ain't there more floies out- 
soide than insoide? 

Mrs. Aldrich. When the parlor maid is out I 
should expect you to answer the doorbell and to al- 
ways give a glance into the parlor before going to 
the door to be sure that everything was in order. 

Bridget. Oid do that. Shure, Oi always chased 



i8 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

the pig out of the parlor whin Oi hed company. 
Oi wouldn't want anny wan to git the imprission Oi 
wasn't high-toned. 

Mrs. Aldrich. What about going to church? 

Bridget. Oi should want to go to mass iviry 
morning. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Every morning! 

Bridget. Faith an' 'twas a good cook yez wuz 
axin' for. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Have you any men callers? 

Bridget. Terry Dolan, the polaceman. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Anything serious? 

Bridget. Yis, mum, Oi think so. Anny way he's 
begun to complane about my cookin' and that's a 
shure soign he manes business. 

Mrs. Aldrich. How did you get acquainted with 
him? 

Bridget. He arristed me wance. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Arrested you? For what? 

Bridget. For being drunk. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Did you have to serve time ? 

Bridget. Shure Oi did, all on account of that 
baste of a judge. He ses, ses he " Yez look familiar, 
were yez iver before this court before?" ''No 
soir," ses Oi, ''but Oi wuz yer cook last month." 
" Thirty days on bread and wather," ses he, the 
auld scalpeen. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Have you ever been arrested 
since ? 

Bridget. Only thoirty-five toimes. 

Mrs. Aldrich. Thirty-five times ! 

Bridget. No woman is perfect. What's the 
matter wid yez? Does yez ixpict an angil from 
Hivin ? 

Mrs. Aldrich. I thought I was visiting an em- 
ployment office but I should think Ed got in a 
penitentiary. I'll get out of here as quickly as pos- 
sible. 



THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 19 

{Exit Mrs. Aldrich.) 

Bridget. There's no plasing some payple. 
Hilda. Me want a yob. 

(Postman throivs letter in door, Mrs. Brown picks 
it lip, opens, reads to herself.) 

Bridget. Oi'd like wan misilf, Swedy. 

Marie. So do I. 

Grace. Me, too, Pete. 

Mrs. Brown. Well, here's a letter I've just re- 
ceived. Perhaps this will suit one of you. (Reads) 
" I want a girl for general housework in a family 
of two. May have use of piano from nine to eleven, 
victrola from eleven to two, automobile from two to 
five, theatre and opera tickets three times a week, 
use of mistresses' clothes on days out which are 
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, 
Saturday and all day Sunday. May entertain callers 
in the parlor at any time. Fine looking grocer, 
butcher, milkman, iceman and policeman. Salary 
paid four times a week. No washing, ironing, cook- 
ing or sweeping. If you have any girl looking for 
such a place send her to 548 County Street. 

(Girls have all been listening intently, zvhen letter is 
partly read all jump up ready to go as soon as 
address is heard. When that is read they make 
a rush for the door, pushing and jostling one 
another in mad efforts to get off first.) 

Bridget. Begorry, that's the wan for me. 
Grace. Me for it. 
Marie. Madam will want me. 
Hilda. Me want that yob. Ya. ya. 

(All go out) 



20 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 

Mrs. Brown. (Puts on zvraps) Well, that was a 
good way to get rid of that bunch, Em afraid they'll 
be rather disappointed when they reach 548 County 
Street. I think Ell go to dinner now. (Mrs. Brown 
goes out) 

CURTAIN 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

015 825 952 7 



